


Better Than A Sunny Day

by fallingaway



Category: Jessica Jones (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 05:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5615326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingaway/pseuds/fallingaway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, Trish was likable. Trish was probably the walking definition of likable, which shouldn’t be surprising considering that half the country was in awe of her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than A Sunny Day

 

Jessica’s opinion on Trish had gone from _I’m going to gut her if she spills anything regarding my abilities_ to _Well, maybe we should try being friends since we’re stuck together_ in about five days, and then again to _Oh…_ in three more. The thing is, Trish was likable. Trish was probably the walking definition of likable, which shouldn’t be surprising considering that half the country was in awe of her.

Trish smiled like it was the easiest thing to do, she hugged people she had never seen before and she took more pictures in five minutes than Jessica had taken in her entire life. She signed pictures of herself and memorized lines while finishing some Math exercise and barely broke a sweat. After observing her closely for a few days, Jessica was convinced that she wasn’t the only one to have special abilities in that house.

She just had to ask.

“So,” Jessica said one day while they were finished with homework and Mrs. Monster was too busy on the phone.

“What?” Trish answered in her Patsy voice.

“How does exactly this work?”

“What?” She repeated, sounding more like herself.

“This, you know. Being famous but also being normal?”

Trish laughed, taking her eyes off her Spanish Literature paper to face Jessica. She looked very lighthearted. And then she said, “It doesn’t.”

After this exchange, Jessica did something she wasn’t used to do at all – she offered to help someone out. She suggested that she do part of Trish’s schoolwork and not break a word to Mrs. Walker, so that Trish could sometimes do normal things like, you know, sleep.

Trish looked at her as if she was God-sent. She wasn’t one to run away from her responsibilities, but it would be nice to share the burden a little bit.

“But _why_ ,” she asked.

“Well, you did take the rebel orphan in,” Jessica answered, running away from any kind of explanation. There wasn’t one, anyway.

* * *

They bonded over trash-talking Mrs. Walker and commenting on the terrible people at school. Trish actually liked some of them, but there was an intense hate being shared in quiet tones. She sounded as ashamed of those negative feelings as she did regarding anything that didn’t fit her Patsy-persona. It made Jessica sick.

“You do realize you have a right to hate people?” Jessica said one of those late nights.

Trish didn’t answer. She just smiled.

* * *

People at school would pass through Trish and scream _hey Patsy!_ She had some friends, but not really. Jessica also had some friends, but not really. As logical as taking your umbrella out on a rainy day, they started hanging out at school as well, and soon enough they were pretty much always together.

It was weird for Jessica to have an actual friend. It wasn’t like she hated people – well, she did hate _a lot_ of them, but it wasn’t a sure thing – but creating real connections was as hard for her as carrying a car over the head was for most people. It didn’t really happen, until Trish came along.

Everything seemed natural when it came to Trish. Talking to wasn’t a great effort, but something Jessica could do even after an exhausting day at school. Trish didn’t make fun of her secret passion of pop music, and every time Trish had a break from filming, they would spend some hours on intense Street Fighter battles.

Something about it made Jess feel constantly uneasy. It was good. It was good enough for her to let her guard down and actually feel happy sometimes. By then, she couldn’t remember the last time she felt comfortable on her skin. She started feeling terrified that something horrible was about to happen at all times, always. Unexpectedly just like the accident.

* * *

One day there were walking down the hallway when some boy screamed, _hey Patsy, don’t you wanna suck me behind the basketball court? I’m free at eleven._

Jessica made sure he lost all his front teeth while Trish watched from the side, her arms crossed and an almost invisible smile hanging on her lips.

After this incident, Mrs. Walker was called to the school. The principal gave a long, boring lecture about school violence and how unacceptable her attitude was. Jessica apologized profusely with the best fake-guilty impression she had learned from Trish. _I have no idea what came up to me!_ Mrs. Walker bought the boy’s family apology with a big check, Jessica was suspended for a week, they exchanged a knowing look and never touched the subject again.

Jessica considered it a win/win situation.

His fake teeth looked horrible.

* * *

“Haven’t you ever thought of… you know, getting out there?”

“Like what?”

“Like. Helping people, fighting crime, saving the world.”

“Like a vigilante?”

“Like a hero.”

“Not really. Would you do it?”

“Absolutely! Who wouldn’t?”

“I don’t know, Trish. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not really a people’s person.”

“But you are… you have…” Trish sighed, then she seemed to give up on whatever she wanted to say. “Well, I think it’d be amazing. Somebody should just get out there and do it.”

“Somebody?”

“Don’t you think there are others like you?”

She did, of course. Some months ago, Jessica had gotten obsessed with the idea of finding people like her. She was sure they existed, but didn’t have the slightest clue on how to find them. On long trips to the library, she found some articles buried in obscure newspapers, describing people who had been saved from robberies or kidnaps by “some masked guy” or “I couldn’t really see her face, but she was _so fast_.”

There wasn’t anything big, but it was enough for Jessica to work on. She was good at finding things and cracking puzzles. She was sure she could track some of these people down and then…

What? Invite herself for some coffee and cake?

“Maybe. Probably. It’s like aliens, right? We live in a big universe.”

“We should go look for them. Road trip style.“

Jessica laughed a little bit. Going on a road trip with Trish sounded delightful – if she could ever enter in a car again. Her stomach dropped and her visions blurred a bit, and she had to use all her strength to just stay there.

“ _Patsy on the road_?” she asked forcing a smile.

Trish shook her head. “ _No_ , God no. No Patsy. Just me. Well, and you. Wouldn’t it be nice to take a break for some time?”

“When shall we start?”

* * *

The highlight of that first year was when Trish announced that _It’s Patsy_ would hold a Christmas special, filled with seasonal songs. Jess was very fond of Trish, but she couldn’t wait to watch this level of embarrassment.

“But you can’t sing for shit,” Jess pointed.

“Jess, it’s a TV show.”

“Are you going to _lie_ to your fans?” she continued, pretending to be shocked.

Trish laughed, throwing a pillow to her face. “Stop being silly. Don’t you want to take part on it? You could be a reindeer.”

“Thanks, but no. I have some very important appointments coming up.”

“It’s an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity…”

“ _Stop_.”

“Yeah, ok. Any ideas you want to share?”

“Patsy and Mindy should prepare a gothic Christmas to their family. Everybody gets a Lacrimosa CD and they’re suddenly taken over by…”

“God, the industry wouldn’t survive five minutes with you on it,” Trish interrupted her before she could get too wild.

“I bet it’d be an all-time favorite.”

“Maybe it’d be so bad it’d drive the show towards cancellation. Doesn’t it sound amazing?”

“Except for the part where your mother would never let that happen. She’d lose it! Tell me beforehand so I can get the fuck away from here.”

“Without me?” Trish asked very lightheartedly.

Jessica stopped to think about it. A world without Trish was like a world without sunshine, and it would be unspeakably horrible, even if it meant being free from Mrs. Monster.

“No, never,” Jessica answered very seriously.

* * *

Trish’s Christmas album made it into Billboard 200 and there was no threat of cancellation. The album played all over the city during Christmas time and then some more at the beginning of the New Year.

They were halfway through their sophomore year, Mrs. Walker would lay low for weeks at a time and things seemed smooth.

Sometimes Jessica felt guilty for living such a normal life. Well, as normal as it could be when you’re the adoptive sister of Patsy Walker and you can break people’s teeth with a half-assed punch. Her nightmares were becoming less vivid and she was actually being mostly honest when talking to her counselor, instead of concealing everything she was feeling. She started thinking about the future again. She started feeling that life maybe wasn’t so horrible, after all.

After her new successes, Trish was crazy busy trying to fit taping, school and promo into her schedule. She especially loved doing radio interviews and always asked Jessica to listen to her. Jessica would do it even if she didn’t ask, of course, but it was nice to see her so excited to do something Patsy-related.

Jessica spent more and more time alone, buried into schoolwork and books and new bands to discover. She considered getting a part-time job at a restaurant and calculated the chances of accidently killing someone who was cross to her. The percentage was high, but she did it anyway, and got herself a shift at a pizza place for three evenings a week. Trish went there for a visit once and everybody lost their shit.

One day near the end of the school year, Trish got home just as Jessica was about to leave for work. She was carrying a box which she handed to Jessica. Inside the box, there was a cellphone.

“You know, so we can talk when I’m staying away.”

“This costs a fortune, shit, thanks Trish.”

“Don’t think about it. Anything so we can be closer, right?”

Jessica smiled without holding back. She felt warm and happy and guiltless and really wanted to be closer to Trish at all times. It sounded like a wonderful idea. Before she could think about it, she pulled Trish closer to her in a tight hug.

Trish was as warm as the summer breaking outside. She seemed a bit shocked, as she knew Jessica wasn’t a fan of being touched. Slowly, she hugged her back, and they stayed like that until Trish whispered “Hey, aren’t you going to be late for work?”

_Fuck work_ , Jessica thought. “Yeah, right, bye. Thanks again,” she said very fast, turning her back to the door without looking at Trish’s face, holding the cellphone tightly in her hand.

The thing is, she had been hugged before, obviously. She had been kissed and had her hand hold and had horny boys whispering dumb shit on her ear. She had just broken off with Dave, a senior guy who was an X-Files fan, after a couple of weeks of seeing each other. Trish didn’t even meet him.

But with Dave and Tom and Eric and the guys before them, she had never felt anything as close as she was feeling at that moment. She wasn’t even sure why she was comparing Trish to these guys, in the first place – Trish was her best friend, and they were some people she didn’t date long enough to know them better.

They all kind of bored her, like Trish never did.

Maybe she should just date Trish, she thought, laughing alone on her way to work.

* * *

Trish, on the other hand, didn’t have dating as a high priority. She politely thanked and ignored all the love letters she got. She apologized and said she was busy every time she was invited to grab a coffee sometime. In her shoes, Jessica would do the same. She already had enough in her plate.

“But maybe I could clear some free time on my schedule if Johnson asked me out,” Trish said one night. It was one of those rare times they were having a boy talk.

“Johnson? Freshman Johnson?”

“No, silly. 7-feet-tall, shooting guard start Johnson.”

“Hum.”

“Hum?”

“Yeah, he’s cute I guess.”

“He’s _glorious_ , listen to me.”

“Too into basketball.”

“That’s what players do.”

“I guess,” Jessica repeated, not sharing Trish’s interested in Johnson in the slightest. The thought of another person touching Trish made her feel very uncomfortable. “Speaking of which, track and field Mark asked me out yesterday.”

“The guy whose mile record you trashed?”

“He thought it was charming.”

Trish raised an eyebrow. Jessica shrugged.

“Keep me posted on Johnson.”

* * *

“I asked _him_ out.”

Of course Trish did. She was brave that way.

“How was it?”

“He said _wow yeah wow this is let’s do this Pat—Trish_ ,” Trish did her best teenager boy impression. She was incredibly accurate, no wonder she got was those acting awards. “We made out in the supply room and then went to Wendy’s.”

“This sounds like my kind of date.”

“He’s good.”

“Nice.”

“He smelled sweaty though.”

“Well, you did catch him by surprise, what would you expect?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Are you seeing each other again?”

“Probably. I gave him my number.”

Jessica raised an eyebrow.

“Well, if it doesn’t work or if he’s a jerk I’ll just burn the cellphone down, I guess?”

“It sounds so simple to be rich.”

“Let a girl live, Jess,” Trish retorted laughing.

“I do! I think a trophy boyfriend suits you just fine.”

“Wow, who said boyfriend?”

“No boyfriend?”

“Isn’t it scary? This relationship thing? I mean, I already have you, I don’t even know if I have enough _time_ to have a boyfriend.”

Jessica’s stomach dropped and she felt her cheeks heat. Trish looked like she hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary. Jess felt a little dizzy – _keep it cool for fuck’s sake_. She barely missed a beat before saying, “Well, it’s very flattening that you’d put me before Johnson. I mean, I don’t make out with you in supply rooms.”

Trish sat straight in her bed, with her glorious blonde hair perfectly adorning her face. She would look like an angel if her eyes weren’t so glassy.

“Never too late to start.”

* * *

Trish’s sense of humor was very sharp, Jessica was well aware of that. So saying things like _Never too late to start_ had to be some kind of joke, right? A witty comeback just for laughs. That was Trish’s specialty on _Patsy_ , people loved that. Jessica shouldn’t take it too seriously.

Or should she.

More like, _could_ she?

She had never analyzed deeply how she felt about other people, romantically speaking. For the past years, she had been more worried about dealing with the excruciating pain of losing her family than figuring out her sexuality. Being with boys was nice. Being with Trish was nicer.

On the other hand, she had never really had a close friend before Trish came along. Maybe that was a friend’s thing, hanging out all the time and talking on the phone for two hours after spending a couple of days apart. Hugging each other for no reason and sometimes getting a bit flirtatious.

She was sure she saw Chandler and Joey doing just that on TV.

What they had was nothing more than standard close friend behavior. _But my palms get sweaty sometimes by just looking at her_. Well, it was a hot summer. People said things they didn’t mean all the time. She shouldn’t read too much into it, that was the final conclusion.

That night, Jessica spent a long time awoken and staring at the ceiling, looking for answer on the even white.

* * *

“What happened to Mark?”

“Mark was an idiot.”

“Jess… do you realize you say this about all of them?”

“Well, because it’s true. Guys are idiots. Should I just quit? I have you anyway,” she said, throwing herself on Trish’s bed.

“Fair enough.” Trish sighed, lying beside her. “Why was he an idiot?”

“He thinks classic rock is going to save the world and that the Spice Girls are lame.”

“ _What_ ,” Trish said in a disgusted tone. “Ok, he’s an idiot. We cannot support Spice Girls haters.”

“I told him so, Baby Spice.”

“Should I try girl banding next?”

“Only if I can write you some songs.”

“I’m dying to check you songwriting skills.”

“FYI, my English teacher loved my last poem. It was called _School sucks let’s put everything on fire_ ,” Jessica informed her in a very serious tone. “I bet that’d be a pop hit.”

“Now that sounds very rock n’ roll of you, Mark would be proud,” Trish said, laughing a little bit.

“He was such an idiot, seriously,” she groaned, burying her face on Trish’s shoulder. Trish laughed harder, hugging her from the waist. They lost track of time and fell asleep that way, until Trish’s alarm woke them up at 5 a.m. the next day.

It took Jessica five whole minutes to understand what was happening.

“Baby Spice?” she whispered to Trish, who hadn’t woken up.

“Hum?”

“I think that you, for some inhumane reason, have to wake up.”

“Hmmm?” Trish repeated, hugging her body tighter.

Before Jessica could repeat or do anything else to wake her, the door opened and a fully dressed Mrs. Walker came in. She had a pager on one hand and a notebook on another. "Patsy, why aren’t you up? Today we have the People’s shoot—”

She stopped mid-sentence as soon as she laid eyes on Jessica. Her daughter’s arm was still around Jessica’s waist, and Jessica had taken her t-shirt off in the middle of the night because it was too damn hot in the room. She could perfectly imagine what the scene looked like.

All Mrs. Walker said was “Get _out._ ”

Jessica disappeared before Trish had a chance to wake up.

* * *

Later that day, she could hear the screams from the opposite side of the house.

“Isn’t it enough that she’s a freak, does she have to be a fucking dyke as well?” Mrs. Walker screamed. “Doesn’t she have respect for anything? She’s in my fucking house! She’s living off your fame!”

Jessica hated herself deeply – not because of those pity words, but because Trish was being yelled at because of her. She thought of getting up and interfering, like that one time, but pounded that she could make things worse. Mrs. Walker kept screaming on and on, horrible and hurtful things that weren’t even true.

She punched a hole in the wall.

Then she jumped through the window.

* * *

The suburbs at night were a completely different experience. Everything was peaceful and empty of judging people on front yards. The night was dry and quiet, with some cats running around and not a soul on the streets. She walked and walked and it was as if her head was boiling. She felt a sour taste on her mouth. She could barely breathe. On her mind, she punched Mrs. Walker’s face instead of the wall.

Jessica stopped walking when she got to the small park near Colbert St., and sat on one of the empty swings. Going up and down, up and down, she slowly calmed herself down. If she closed her eyes and concentrated, she could still sense Trish’s arm around her body, which somehow had felt so right even if it was a million degrees in the room.

She had felt protected and comforted, two very rare things, especially after her family had been killed. And she liked it. She didn’t want to part from Trish because she really, _really_ liked Trish. She enjoyed her touch in a way she had never really enjoyed before, even with the least dumb boy.

“What the hell is _wrong_ with me,” she murmured to herself. A cat nearby meowed in return. Under the street light, she could see its black and white fur and the way its body cutely arched when it stretched. Maybe she should drop this people thing and forever focus on the cat thing, she reckoned.

Then the cat went away, walking down the street.

She had no idea about how much time had passed, but it was at least a couple of hours. She was sleepy and hungry and thirsty and didn’t have a cent on her pocket, but going back to Mrs. Monster’s house wasn’t really on option.

She was almost dozing off when a panting sound made her jerk awake. Trish was in front of her, shirt full of sweat and tousled hair. She looked glorious. Jessica was 98% sure she was dreaming until Trish dropped on her knees and hold Jessica’s arms, her hands cold with sweat.

“Fuck, I was so wor—.”

“What are—?”

Both started and stopped speaking at the same time, and just stared at each other for a moment. Then Jessica started again, “What are you _doing_ here? Please tell me you didn’t run around the whole neighborhood looking for me.”

“Of course I did.”

“Trish, _why_ ,” Jessica grunted. Her mind was half blank, half chaos and she could barely process everything that had happened that day. So she focused on only one thing, how amazing Trish’s hands felt around her forearms.

“Because I was worried. Because I saw you weren’t there and I panicked.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t, you’re not the one with the lunatic mother.”

“I’m the one with the dead mother, and if it wasn’t for that, none of this mess would have happened.”

“Jess, please, shut up. Don’t say shit like this. I was so worried, I thought— I don’t even know what I thought. She was screaming on and on and I didn’t know what to do. I know how to deal with the normal shit, right? But this was… Jess, I just wanted to find you.”

For the zillionth time that day, Jessica felt the bitter taste of guilt on her throat. Trish was going through all that because of her and she had left without a second thought. She was a horrible, horrible person.

“I’m… so sorry,” she repeated, resting her chin on top of Trish’s head. “I didn’t know what to do either. I was afraid of what I could do. I didn’t want to hurt anybody.”

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes. Trish couldn’t possibly be in a comfortable position, kneeled on the ground and still panting a little bit, but she didn’t move.

“I’m so glad I found you,” she finally said.

“I’m so glad you found me,” Jessica replied.

* * *

Jessica couldn’t say things got back to normal after that, but what was normal in her life anyway. Mrs. Walker was overworking her daughter more than usual, and Jessica took up as many hours at the restaurant as possible. She was acing her exams through the sheer power of boredom and staying away from most people. It wasn’t all that difficult.

It was on one of the quiet shifts that she realized—

She loved Trish. In a god-what-wouldn’t-I-give-to-kiss-her way.

She didn’t do anything about it. Sometimes they would talk on the phone and sometimes they spent a whole week without seeing each other. They barely had any classes together anymore, and they were both a bit afraid of interacting too much on the house. After all, they had never talked about what happened that morning or anything that Mrs. Walker had said. Jessica knew there was enough awkwardness in her life.

Sometimes she made out with boys. Then she made out with some girls, too, and a rumor started spreading in the school that she was a Satan-adoring lesbian. She had no idea where the Satan part had come from, but she was ok with it. She spent most of her final sophomore weeks hanging out with a girl called Betty who worked in a bookshop nearby.

It was nice. She recommended books Jessica would never read and picked her up from work. Betty liked to drive around town and she was a very good driver, good enough for Jessica feel relaxed in a car.

Betty kissed her like it was the right thing to do. Jessica would pretend she was kissing Trish and feel like shit afterwards. 

“What’s the problem?” Betty asked one of these times.

“Hm. Nothing.”

Betty had blonde hair with some blue highlights. She had a septum piercing and five tattoos. She had no idea who Jessica lived with or that her family was dead or that she was gifted. Jessica felt like a ghost when she was with her. It was nice.

“Ok.”

* * *

They stopped seeing each other when the summer started, though, because Betty and some friends were planning a road trip to Mexico. Betty said she would send her a postcard and they kissed for the last time. Jessica’s stomach dropped as she watched Betty go – some part of her actually liked the girl, and she knew things could have been different if the timing wasn’t so wrong.

So she went to the bookshop Betty used to work and bought some of the books she had recommended.

Trish had a few weeks off work in August and it felt like magic. She’d stick around the house for a full day, wearing pajamas and just enjoying her time off. Mrs. Walker seemed to have gotten over the whole “I saw my daughter sleeping with another girl” thing and was treating Jessica almost like a human being, so the girls could actually hang out.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in months,” Trish said one day. They were reading in the same room together and Jessica was trying very hard not to think about it.

“We live together.”

“You know what I mean.”

_I love you I love you I love you_ , was all that her mind was telling her to say.

“I know.”

“I’m sorry I’m interrupting your reading.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Ok,” said Trish.

“Ok,” she repeated. And before she could even think about it, she added, “I like girls.”

It wasn’t a very proper way of coming out, but it was infinitely better than just confessing her overwhelming love to the girl, so she tried not to beat herself up. She stared at her book, reading the same line over and over again.

“I heard the rumors,” Trish said after a few moments. Jessica laughed. “Do you like any… hum, _specific_ girls?”

Fuck.

“I was hanging out with this girl Betty for some weeks.”

“And what happened to her?”

“She left. She was planning a big trip with her friends. But I think you’d have liked her, she hates your show.”

“Amazing, we already have a thing in common!”

“She also has blue hair.”

“Very in fashion.”

“Isn’t it? I’d try on myself if I wasn’t so lazy.”

“You don’t need to, you already have the most beautiful hair.”

Jessica smiled to her book.

“Thanks, Trish.”

“I’m sorry for what happened.”

She stopped smiling. She felt breathless. She knew they would have to talk about it someday, but for a moment she was too lost on the feeling of being around Trish to worry about it.

“It’s ok.”

“No, Jess, it’s not. I’m sorry for everything my mother said and how horrible she is to you. You don’t deserve any of it,” Trish went on. Now it would be a wonderful moment to find out she had the ability to disappear, Jessica thought. “Jess, please. Look at me.”

So she did.

Trish looked beautiful and perfect and sad.

“You shouldn’t apologize on her behalf. She is the one who should say she’s sorry. She’s the one who should stop being a shitty mother and a shitty person. You don’t deserve any of it either.”

Trish smiled weakly.

“I wish that morning had gone differently.”

_We still have time_.

“At least you had the privilege of holding me in your arms,” Jessica said jokingly.

“It was so hot though.”

“It was, right.”

Another pause.

“I know I don’t deserve these things. We just have a couple more years before we can be free,” Trish said before she got back to her book.

* * *

A few days after that awkward conversation, Jessica got a car. She had been saving money and taking lessons and not freaking out on the wheel, so she thought it was the obvious thing to do. It was better than jump around the city hoping no one would notice a black dot crossing the sky.

Trish invited herself for a ride before Jessica could. They were almost behaving normally around each other and it was amazing. Jessica felt like she could breathe again.

“Let’s go, baby!” she said, hands on the wheel and a smile on her face.

Trish laughed, getting on the passenger seat. “Where are you going to take me?”

“Nowhere, really. Where do you want to go?”

“We can just go around a few blocks, it’s better that you get to practice a bit before big adventures.”

“Don’t you trust my skills? I’m feeling very offended.”

“Let’s go, Jess.”

So they did. Jessica drove around the quiet neighborhood and they watched the sunset through the windshield. Then they stopped at an ice cream shop where everybody already knew and had an autograph of Trish, so they could sit and get their ice creams without any fuss.

“This feels very… normal,” said Trish, focused on her papaya ice cream.

“I like when we have normal.”

“I love it. Absolute favorite.”

“You should have more normal.”

“I’m trying to. I’m almost of age and then mom won’t be able to sign contracts for me anymore.”

It amazed Jessica the way Trish could talk about the things that hurt her. And how she did it with fierce determination that things were going to get better. Jessica’s power had nothing on Trish’s strength. She didn’t think she could be more in love.

“That’s great,” and then she did something.

She cupped Trish’s hand on hers.

Trish didn’t even flinch, licking her ice cream without a care in the world.

* * *

Summer had to end sometime. It did, and it was physically painful for Jessica to get back to school. Trish’s break was over and she had a hectic schedule again. It was their junior year and she was feeling bored until next July just because.

There were some small improvements, though. Mrs. Walker was setting up a new company and was busy meeting investors, hiring people and closing deals. She’d stay out of the house for hours and sometimes even travel for a couple of days. It was peaceful. It was glorious.

And sometimes, when the planets aligned, Mrs. Walker would be gone when Trish had a day off. On these days, Jessica felt like in heaven. They had the whole house for themselves and they could touch each other without the risk of dealing with abuse. _Friendly_ touches, yes, but they made Jessica’s heart sing.

Sometimes their legs would overlap while playing videogame or Trish rested her head on Jessica’s lap while they were reading. Once Trish quickly hugged her from behind while Jess was doing the dishes and she was sure she would faint.

It had been months and she was still in love. It was something she had grown used to feeling, just like she had learned how to not break doors when she wanted to dramatically slam one. It was a fuzzy, familiar feeling on her stomach.

They would drive around and stop for ice cream and lay on an empty park for a few hours. They would talk and talk and laugh and sometimes Jessica felt guilty for feeling so happy, but other times she was able to just enjoy it. She had told her counselor that she was in love with an incredible girl, and her counselor had told her that it was okay to be in love. To strive for happiness.

Jessica wasn’t completely sure she deserved it.

But somehow Trish was by her side, making her feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

“What are you thinking about?” Trish asked one Sunday afternoon. They were in a park. Trish was petting a random dog. Mrs. Walker was in Philadelphia.

“About how weird it is to be alive.”

“Good weird?”

“Good weird.”

The dog got distracted by a kid playing with a balloon and ran from them. Trish smiled. She was wearing a huge cap that concealed half of her face, a black wig and sunglasses. Jessica pictured her as a private detective, working on a kidnapping case and following a tip on the criminal.

“I feel guilty sometimes,” Jessica said without thinking.

“Why?”

“Because I’m alive and my family is not.”

“I think that’s an understandable feeling.”

“My counselor has been helping me deal with it.”

“That’s fantastic, Jess,” Trish said softly. She took her hand and laced their fingers together. A lady passed through them and gave them a reproving look. They didn’t mind.

“I’m just not able to… think about the future. I have the feeling that things could end at any time, so why bother?”

“That’s all we can do, isn’t it? We do things and we’re not sure they’re going to work out, but we keep doing them anyway.”

Jessica laughed lightly. “You’d be a great motivational speaker.”

“That’s because I’m a girl with many talents,” Trish retorted.

“But I really have no idea. We’re almost seniors and I just… I don’t know what to do.”

“You can do anything, Jess. You have good grades. You’re smart and beautiful.”

“Are you sure you’re talking about me?”

“I am, silly. I don’t like it when you try to put yourself down.”

“It’s hard sometimes, you know. I do live with three times People’s Choice Award winner Patsy Walker.”

“Then you should believe it if the great Patsy says that you’re awesome,” Trish said in a very serious tone, and then they laughed. Trish rested her head on Jessica’s shoulder and Jessica thought this was a very appropriate moment for the sun to explode. Life couldn’t possibly get much better than this.

* * *

Or could it?

* * *

_It’s Patsy!_ fifth season started in March, and they all gathered on a big party to celebrate it. Jessica was usually out of all Patsy-related affairs, but this year Trish insisted that she go. Her mother protested. They had a big fight. And two nights later, there was Jessica on an uncomfortable black dress trying not to look excessively awkward.

There was free alcohol, though. No one seemed to care that the show’s star was only sixteen. Then neither would Jessica. She grabbed a glass of beer. She started to drink a little bit around the time she was dating Mark, and then a bit more when she met Betty, and now whenever the opportunity arose.

“Can I just stay on the corner while you do your thing?” she asked a bit desperately about half an hour after they got there. She wanted to be in the party, really, she was thrilled. But she definitely wasn’t cut for the celebrity life.

Trish laughed. “Yeah, I’ll find you when I can.”

So she stayed on a corner drinking her cold, bitter beer, observing all the famous people around her doing stupid things and smiling for flashing cameras. Trish was everywhere, kissing people on the cheek, shaking hands and dancing around. She looked at least ten years older and there was something intrinsically wrong with that. But Jessica wasn’t on the mood of overanalyzing things tonight, so she kept sipping her drink.

Almost two hours had passed before Trish found her. She still looked impeccable. Jessica felt like a drunken mess.

“I feel like a drunken mess,” she informed her friend.

“You should stop drinking then.”

_I love you I love you I love you._

“I love… this beer.”

Trish laughed. “I respect your feelings, but I think you’ve had enough,” she said, taking the glass out of Jessica hand. She let her. It was okay, really, she didn’t really love the beer. She loved the girl in front of her but couldn’t do anything about it. But maybe she would deal better with it if she had her beer? She didn’t know. She was a bit confused.

“But I want the beer.”

Trish laughed more. “C’mon, let’s dance a little bit.”

“I don’t dance.”

“Are you sure? This is the intro for Wannabe, baby.”

No super strength could control the urge to dance to the Spice Girls, so to the dance floor they went. They danced together and then danced with random people; they laughed at ridiculous dance moves and made some themselves. Alexia, who played Patsy’s sister on the show, took her top off and everybody cheered. People were constantly putting glasses with alcoholic beverages on their hands, and at some point even Trish was drinking. It wasn’t a bad party at all, Jessica decided.

She had lost track of time when Trish screamed into her ear, “I need to pee, come with me!” Everything after that seemed like a fever dream.

Jessica remembered Trish taking her hand and them crossing the dance floor to get to the restroom. She remembered Trish making small talk with, like, five different teenage stars. Everybody was laughing a lot. They peed. They got out of the stalls. Trish said Jessica was looking beautiful that night.

“You look beautiful, Jess,” she whispered, putting a lock of Jessica’s hair behind her ear. They were very close to each other and Trish looked like a goddess. _I want to kiss you_ , Jessica thought. “So do it,” Trish said.

_Fuck, did I say that out—_

And then they were kissing. Trish gently guided her back to the stall and closed the door, and they were full-on making out. Everything was too much, so Jessica gave up on trying to understand what was going on and just focused on the sensation of Trish’s body against hers, her soft skin bellow her fingertips. They were messy and touching everywhere.

Trish’s hand was under Jessica’s dress, caressing her thigh. Jessica’s hand was on her waist and her ass and her thighs. _That is it. That is it. That is it._ Jessica could barely breathe, and _that_ would be an excellent moment for the sun to explode. Being alive was an incredible thing.

They eventually broke apart, but only because someone started aggressively banging on the door. “Get the _fuck_ out of here, some people actually need to pee!”

* * *

They didn’t talk about it, of course. Not even Trish was that mature. Jessica convinced herself that it had been a drunken, let’s-try-it-with-girls thing on Trish’s part. The awkwardness got to new, incredibly high levels and while Jessica wanted to scream senseless, she also felt a bit lucky. At least they had had those few intense minutes together.

On the weeks after the party, she was paranoid that someone had seen something, that any day now there would be printed gossip of dear Patsy being a lesbian and getting it on with girls on party restrooms. There was nothing. Sometimes Jessica would touch herself thinking about Trish, thinking about that night, and feel guilty afterwards.

But not guilty enough to stop.

She tried dating other people. There was a cute boy who came to the pizza place every once in a while, and he definitely flirted with her. But it was like Betty all over again, and all that Jessica could think about was how hot Trish’s mouth was against her skin. So she stopped. She thought about joining a convent. The idea entertained her for a whole, boring night.

* * *

“Good morning,” she said to Trish and Mrs. Walker as she got to the kitchen one morning. She prepared a quick toast and sat in front of Trish. Their feet touched lightly under the table. Her whole body froze.

“Morning,” said Mrs. Walker, sipping her coffee. She was reading the morning paper. “Patsy, can you pass me the sugar?”

Trish passed her the sugar. Jessica was a hundred percent focused on her food, until she lifted her head and caught Trish intensely staring at her. Both quickly looked away.

“How is school going, girls?” Mrs. Walker asked.

“Great,” said Trish.

“Okay,” said Jessica.

“Did you catch last night’s episode, Patsy? The editing was quite good.”

“Yeah, I watched some of it.”

“Uhum.”

Some minutes later, Mrs. Walker closed the paper. “Well, girls, I need to get going. Patsy, don’t forget you have the shooting at three, the driver is going to get you from school, ok?”

“Ok mom, thanks,” Trish said. They watched her mom leave.

And then it was just both of them and the giant elephant in the kitchen. Jessica considered just leaving her toast and running away, she could totally grab something later in the cafeteria. There was no need for food. Not at all.

One month had passed since their glorious make out session and no word had been broken about it. Until Trish sighed and emitted words that Jessica dreaded to hear: “We need to talk.”

_Do we?_

“Okay.”

“So we kissed.”

“We did.”

“And that’s okay. I liked it.”

“Great. Me too.”

“Great.”

They looked at each other over the table, waiting for some external forces tell them the next appropriate step. Jessica was only seventeen and didn’t know shit on how to have serious conversations. Trish was slightly better, but not that much. So they stayed quiet for some more time.

“The thing is…” Trish started again, sounding like she was stepping on eggs. Very slow, very careful not to make a mess. “I would like to kiss you again.”

_Oh_.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“How much would you like to do that?”

“Kiss you? On a permanent basis thing.”

Jessica’s heart was pounding so fast she was sure Trish could hear it. Was that what it sounded like? Was Trish Fucking Walker confessing to her or something? Was Trish not only into girls, but actually into _her_? It was too much to take before 9 a.m.

“Jess?” Trish asked softly.

“I love you,” Jessica blurted out.

Trish looked lost for a moment, and Jessica wanted to take it back. Maybe Trish hadn’t meant something _that_ permanent. Maybe she just—

“Perfect.”

They smiled at each other and Jessica felt lighter than a feather. She’d give the whole world to kiss Trish right at that moment, but they knew better with Mrs. Walker changing just upstairs. So they stared and stared at each other, and Trish caressed her leg with her foot, and they finished breakfast.

* * *

They were lying together on Trish’s bedroom floor. It was two in the morning and a light rain was falling outside. Their hands were touching lightly and they felt very sleepy, but neither one wanted to go to sleep even though they had school in a few hours.

“When did you know?” Trish asked.

“About what?”

“About me.”

“I don’t know. It just hit me one day.”

“And what did you think?”

“I thought ‘Wow, this girl is amazing. She’s actually amazing. I want to kiss her,’ and stuff like that. How about you?”

Trish smiled against her shoulder, planting a kiss there. “I always knew.”

“What.”

“Not literally, you know, but since the day I met you— like, literally in the hospital, I felt something. I didn’t know what it was. It was hard enough to deal with everything else and I didn’t want to deal with _this_ , so I just suppressed it.”

“Fuck, Trish, and there I was pining so hard. I could barely function around you.”

“Do you remember that day when you told me you liked girls?”

“Yeah.”

“And I asked if you liked any specific ones?”

“You little shit!” Jessica said, punching her lightly. She laughed.

“I pictured a big confessing on my mind. You’d say, ‘Yeah, baby, you. There’s only you,’ and we would kiss all around the house. But then there was Betty.”

“Betty destroyed your dreams.”

“She did.”

“But I’m all yours now, baby,” Jessica said, pulling her in for a kiss. It was a very uncomfortable position, with them both on the floor, but they didn’t really mind. “I should get to bed.”

“Yes, you should.”

And then, “I love you, Jess.”

Jessica smiled and got out of the room. She felt like the sun itself, and she wasn’t ready to explode yet.

**Author's Note:**

> It has been ages since I last wrote fanfiction and I feel like an old grandma trying to keep up with the kids. But it's good to be back, I guess. It's also the first time I write something in English. If you want to talk to me, I'm stillwesing on tumblr. :)


End file.
